THE NEW ALPHABET

Welcome

A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

A is for arthritis;
B is the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is forhigh blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
j is for JUST give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms,
my body's deployed,
and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

I Cannot See
I Cannot Pee
I Cannot Chew
I Cannot Screw
Oh, My God, What Can I Do?
My Memory Shrinks
My Hearing Stinks
No Sense of Smell
I Look Like Hell
My Mood is Bad -- Can't You Tell?
My Body is Drooping
Have Trouble Pooping
The Golden Years Have Come at Last
The Golden Years can Kiss My Ass!